Reblogged Lingering Thoughts: by Gen Laurin

I thought I knew what it was like to lose someone. How it truly felt to let someone let go.
To feel that empty space within and that hole in your heart.
That rush you get through your body and the tears that fill your eyes as you walk in the space, that person once was in. 
That feeling of regret and sadness you feel as you watch them leave.
Knowing that you did everything you could to save them....That energy that hits you and you start balling your eyes out because that’s how much it affects you. Like a punch in the face. Like a knife stabbing you in the stomach. Like a wave of emotion. Your hands are shaking frantically as you keep thinking of the word forever. Because they’re gone. Forever. That word is aching and suffocating. You’ll never be able to say the words you wanted them to hear or touch them again. I never thought it would hurt this much when someone dies. Because it’s something I've never had to deal with until now. If someone had warned me that it was going to be this way, I wouldn’t have believed them. Because the pain I felt, was indescribable. 

I’m kinda going all over the place with this one, but let’s just say I'm just....completely blinded by memories and feelings these days.

I.........get attached very easily. Sometimes I tend to block everyone out and give so much of my energy and attention to one person. I’m afraid that if I don’t, I will lose them. Like I have before.
Maybe I should open my ‘’circle of friends’’ and let people in. But what’s the use, if they don’t appreciate all that I am, as much as others do.
I think the problem has always been that I cared too much for people. I’ve always cared about other people’s needs. Especially the ones that I get really close to. I would do anything for them, even crazy things I never thought I would do for someone. I get caught up in the moment, and forget reality. And now, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get close to anyone because I’m scared to risk hurting again. Or hurt someone. I just don’t feel safe anymore letting anyone too close to me. I’ve been pushed away or pushed people away and I try to hide or bury emotions.
Even when I get close to others, or let others get close to me I feel as though it should no longer be that way. And sometimes, I unintentionally begin to do things that start damaging certain friendships I have.

That moment, when you realize you’re slowly losing someone. Picture in your head two people. And you’re one of them. That other person can be anyone and you’re holding their hand. Very tightly. At one point, both of your hands get sweaty and slippery for holding on so long. It’s like a reflection of your lives. You feel them letting go, no matter what you do, and as hard as you try to make them hold on, nothing seems to work. One of them is slowly slipping away and as hard as you squeeze their hand, as much as it hurts inside, the hand eventually slips off by itself. You lose them. Just like that. All the effort you put into it, eventually lead to this point. Now everything seems like it’s been destroyed. Like all of this turned out to be...nothing.

It’s like this thing, this bond we once had shattered into a million pieces right before our eyes and we’re watching them scatter along the floor. Filling up the empty spaces between us...keeping us apart. And none of us will pick them up because we’re too afraid. We’re too scared to get hurt again, and look like the victim...the one that cared or gave too much. The one that’s willing to try, and fix everything and pick up all the broken pieces.
That feeling....that feeling of being sick and tired of constantly trying to make things right. Because one of the worst feelings in the world is knowing you did the best you could, and it still wasn’t good enough. Thinking about all this makes me feel sick.

There’s a point when you just break down because you just can’t deal with your emotions.
Being so frustrated till the point you just....cry. Because all there seems to be left is nothing but tears. We all just push everything to the side, and try to let go. And then right when you think that things are starting to look up, finally something happens and we ultimately break. Our emotions are uncontrollable. My thoughts take over my mind sometimes....and I keep asking myself the same question now and again whether or not I am doing the right thing. I’m protecting the ones I love, but on the flip side, am I harming myself by doing so? These feelings leave me feeling lost and confused. Sometimes I just don't know how to feel. I don't know how to come to an agreement or accept certain things or deal with them, so I just push it away. I always do. I always will.

It gets hard sometimes, but looking on the bright side, my brain actually manages to kind of sort out my feelings, lets me distinguish them and deal with them. Which is something not everyone can do. I wish I could fix those who can’t. Kind of like that song from Coldplay, Fix You. Which is one of my favorite songs by the way.
 I’ve experienced people very close to me, fall apart, and it breaks me. I don’t know why, but it affects me too. I wish I could help everyone because I hate seeing the people I love suffer. Knowing that I can’t do anything. I wish that feeling could be taken away.

Nothing does last forever. Nothing can. Nothing ever will. People and things come and go.
I have to accept that things change and nothing, absolutely nothing, stays the same. I have to accept that this is now, and that was then. Generally speaking. I also have to accept that I can’t and will never be able to change people. Or change their minds. That sometimes it’s better if they don’t understand. To accept the people for whom they truly are and not building an orb around them pretending they’re what I want them to be like. I keep expecting so much from people when I shouldn`t. I have to stop putting some of my so called friends as my priority if I’m just an option to some of them. Something I have a really hard time doing. I just miss everything. Because I don't feel that I've ever had the time to really get over them yet. But someday, somehow, I will let myself accept it. God knows whenever that will be.

I’m writing this down to prove to myself that I’ll be able to come in terms with these few things, and initiate them in my everyday life....

I will learn to let go, I will.
I will move on.
I will get over it.
I will also forgive..... But I will never, ever, ever, ever, forget.
I will never forget what happened, or what and how I felt. Never forget memories and all those special moments I shared with people. Or how happy I was when I was with them. Those never ending conversations I had. I will never forget how much I hate technology sometimes in certain types of situations. I will never forget the words you said to me. The time you held my hand before you said goodbye. The time when you cared so much. The times we spend together. Your presence. Your face. The way you smiled. What my last image of you was....before you left this precious world. Before you left me.

But most importantly, I will never forget people. Ever. I will never forget you. 

Posted 20th July by Gen Laurin